Everything I wanted Was everything I'd never have Everyone I needed Was never there for me Every hope I ever had Was a dream never come true
All I ever wanted Was to be your everything But your everything You didn't think I could be Maybe I expected too little Maybe you expected too much The past is the past And is long since gone
All I ever wanted was just a glance Yet you fell in love never looking at me So now the universe is yours And I'll never have that second chance Of giving you the world Someone to love and soulful romance
Everything I wanted I know I'll never have Everyone I needed Will never need me Every hope I dreamed up Was a dream for you and me
No Cares (By Me Again)
You don't miss me You didn't say goodbye You didn't care at all Because what you said was all a lie
My broken heart is now shattered My dreams frayed, torn and tattered I wish I had known I was just a girl That everthing that happened was a fairy tale
I would give you everything I have But what I have is an empty heart shaped box You want a mansion of silver and gold The only metal I have is for my food I don't have much at all Not much to you is everything to me
You want to snowboard and the skii the Alps But I can only sled on hills with trash lids You want a car with rims and TVs But I only have a bike with a horn that squeeks You want to travel and fly in the clouds But I show them to you lying in the grass You want a queen, mansion, and money But all I have is a dime and cardboard box
I wish I could give you the world Of course you'd still want more Then I see we just aren't meant to be I'll never have what you want or need And what you gave me was A trickle of lies and scury of truth Not a heart of gold or billions of dollars Will ever be good enough for you So I'll take my life of nothings And give it to someone unlike you Where I know it'll be their somethings
If Only (By me the last time)
If only I were older If only you were younger If only I met you then Or you had just met her now
I've heard it and you've said it true Time and time again, right out the blue If you weren't with her, you'd be with me Happiness and true love meant to be
If only times were different If only she weren't here If only we'd have timing down You'd be a king with a crown
Things will never be this way It's the truth I've come to see We'll never be happily in love We'll never utter the words "we"
I know you're happy with her But I know what I feel inside Are the same things you think of Like The feelings we're leaving behind I'll hope we'll be together one day Not now but in the next heaven or life Things won't have to be this way We'll be in love and I'll be your wife
Snow Patrol Lyrics
You could be happy, I hope you are You made me happier than I'd been by far Somehow everything I own smells of you And for the tiniest moment it's all not true Do the things that you always wanted to Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
You left your door wide open Couldn't help but walk in It's the last place I should be But I'm dying to see you Have I held out for something That is never going to happen? It's not me that you love You woke up cold this morning Shied away from my touch I would never mean to hurt you Cause I love you so much Was it always only one night That you every wanted from me? It's not me that you love
Scrubs - "We bounce around this thing and I never had the courage to just stand up and tell you how I feel... I'm crazy about you. And I want you to know, if I had the choice of hanging out with anyone in the entire world, or sitting at home with you, eating a pizza, watching a crappy TV show, I'd choose you everytime."
i started reading some friends' posts and then got sorta nauseous.
my surgery went well i suppose. before surgery my bp was 115/70 something. HR 115. After surgery, bp was 90/50. Apparently my tonsils have been a great influence on my high blood pressure and pulse. Crazy.
I feel misearable after the surgery. All ive done is sit in bed really. i got online for 5 minutes yesterday and ive watched more tv than i care to watch.
instead of sleeping with sleep apnea and not breathing i now wake up not able to breathe. oh how much better that is :/
i almost didnt get my piercings back in after the surgery. good thing i was still on meds because i know it woulda hurt a heck of a lot trying to get it back in.
im pretty nauseous today. my lymph nodes are still swollen to hollys handbasket in the same places as before. i can barely talk and my tongue has funny bumps on it from the surgery where they kept my mouth open.
greys anatomy was weird last night. sorta sad and all about betrayel.
im sorta eating sorta not. i want a bread bowl with crab dip but instead i get popsicles. i cant eat ice cream or any dairy cuz i have mucus everywhere.
i have to get out the house. mom and i are going to grandmommys and later i'll stop by the firehouse to visit a sgt. back from iraq.
every year im sick on my birthday, thanksgiving, or christmas. this year it was thanksgiving. I remember every year by my sicknesses.
This firefighter in the MD/Pa area makes various videos, mostly PG county and random house fires in Pa. The video above is a pretty spiffy one, mostly with the Kentland boys on it. Alot of people give kentland shit and call them assholes but the few I've met have been pretty decent to me. On fire calls, well aggression comes out of everyone it doesn't matter who you are. I have some good friends down there.
I bought Red Hot Chili Peppers tickets finally. They were $60 for some high up seats in god knows where. I forgot to buy them presale time and I went to buy them yesterday but didnt process it. Now the tickets are like a million miles away from the seats. i bidded on ebay for 2 seats before I found 1 floor seat. I hope I dont win the ebay seats but the price I paid was $200. Yipes!
My bank account is low. I have some paychecks to put in the bank but I owe mom some car money plus money to fix my car and now the tickets. I'm wondering if I should just continue working where I am and start going back OR if I should find a quick temp job. I really dont want to work somewhere else though so we'll see.
A ton of people left messages on myspace and called my phone today. Lisa and Liz both remembered plus a lot of people I havent talked to in years on facebook. Greg surprised me and came up. We just watched tv for a long while but it was pretty cool. The rents gave me Shaun of the Dead and a My Chemical Romance cd.
I may be camping out for Black Friday which would be awesome. Just chillin with some random friends of a friend.
My friend McGill came back from Iraq for 2 weeks. He'll be there this Friday at duty crew and supposedly some partying sometime soon. WOOPEE i've missed him.
Most of my friends seem to be having relationship issues. Misery loves company.
Thanksgiving - My gmoms boyfriend and my great aunt are down which is really wack since no one really comes down and moms family isn't that big. Mom seems all excited about it.
Thanksgiving was good. I was able to stop mom from getting mad. I cooked the turkey, very good. I don't like white meat it always tastes dry to me. I don't understand how people can like that but not dark meat. The cran-orange stuff we ate was horrible. Blech. I took a lovely 5 hour nap after dinner.
I missed the Oella music event going on due to my car being broken and sleeping. I am sad :(
Oh yea my car is now broken. It will drive but it's not good. It overheats now. I put coolant/antifreeze and oil in my car, it doesn't help. I have to wait a week until my mechanic is back in the area from vacation. Smokey it gets. Good thing I don't have many places to go this week.
Mom and dad went out to the Styx concert last night. They said they can't sing anymore but the music was still good. My parents were so happy last night. If they went out once a week or every other week I think they'd be happier. Dad is driving mom up the wall about black friday. It's all he talks about now. Ugg
Dad had commentary during the Iraq ER documentary we watched. Mom and I are on the edge of tears when he cuts in with why soldiers are over there for the country blah blah. Jesus just ruin the mood. Dad agrees with Kerry's supposed "joke" made this week about "if you don't do well in school you'll end up in Iraq." Yea that's complete bullshit. A lot of people are over there for there fellow soldiers, paying for school, or paying for things for their family. Just because someone is over there doesn't mean they are high school drop outs with no future. Man.
Back to the documentary on comcast demand, it was really sad. One soldier went it with a gun shot to his chest and it injured his pulmonary artery. They operated on him and waited 6 hours for him to get better. He needed to be on a vent but he had a pulse and vitals. They just pulled his tube saying "oh he wont make it". They go by life or limb which I definately understand but they amputate people over there just because there is no feeling/pulse/activity in that limb at that time. Over here they do almost anything to save limbs, or atleast go in for surgery, repair what they can and wait a day atleast to see if things improve. Over there they just chop it off. I think there could be less amputations from the iraq war. The soldiers were just mentally distraught from everything it was pretty damn sad. I kept on thinking of people I know over there.
March 2006 they said 2,000+ soldiers have died. 17,000 have been injured. Before we went over there a lot of people I talked to believed we should be over there. 5 years later and almost everyone wants the soldiers home. Why the hell'd we go over there in the first fucking place. It's still not a fucking war thanks to the Senate not declaring it so. "military actions" they call it
I fucked myself out of good Red Hot Chili Pepper tickets. I kept on forgetting to get the presale tickets so all of the floor tickets are sold out. What crap. I don't feel like sitting in a seat some distance off buttt they are the rhcp and i've missed every other concert they've played at. I spose I'll still buy tickets for $70 damn dollars.
Sometimes I feel bad not being invited to some things. Then I think how I'm suited to attend such things. It's the second time this weekend:/ Friday i was sad because some people were talking about the Fire convention and rooming together and going out drinking. Then I remember what I could have missed out on to hang with people I already hang out with. The convention was stressful at times but was so freaking sweet I'd do it again the same way any day.
A lot of people have messaged me about my birthday. Jennifer, Mark E Mark, and Ernie of all people remembered. How sweet of them :) Other friends have remembered like Frank, Phil, Lisa, and my chiefy but I told them and they know me well/long enough to know anyways.
I like this new kid named Kevin. He drove up from Riverdale to sit around the firehouse Friday/Saturday morning. He's really sweet to me. I'd like to think he's the real deal and not some jerk looking to get some like most of the other guys I know, especially from PG county and his firehouse. I dunno though. I'm still sketchy about his dealio. He's a nice country boy. He's heard every damn thing that I've done at every party which is just funny. I didn't even know this guy and he has all of this info on me haha. That's a part of the reason why I'm not too sure about him O.o From what he says at the party i went to 2 weeks ago I slow danced with him in the kitchen to a country song. I sat around a bonfire for awhile and we talked. I'd ask him a question and by the first word of his answer I'd be snoring. Too bad I don't remember it at all. Oh yea I fell out of his truck a few times and he had to constantly pick me up. LMAO. I have to prove to him I don't just pass out at parties. Many parties and I've passed out at 2. I wish I had pictures though. We shall see....
I made the most kickass fairie festival slide show on myspace. I found an amazing pic of me as a fairie i didn't even know existed. i suppose I'll post it.
I'm not cutting this picture because it's so cool. Suck it up if you don't like pics not cutted. Jack Sparrow in love. How freakin hot is this??? Damn hot I think.
In other news I'm scheduled for the truck opps class in Anne Arundel county for 2 weeks in December. I am in seat 17 woopeee. There are 25 slots and 22 have been filled I'm so glad they didn't wait until the class was full to put me in a stand-by list. I overscheduled myself ONCE AGAIN. The class starts December 5th, it's a Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday class. No biggie. I signed up for Shock Trauma TRU Friday the 8th from 11pm until 3am/7am. I have class that morning between 8 and 9am. Good thinking Heather.
Our generator on the truck is broken. We can use some of the extrication tools but not all and the aerial is definately out of service. Some are saying it's been broken before and can be fixed easily. Others are saying it needs to go down to Texas for 3 months to be fixed. Complete sadness. The bunkroom has mold in it (no surprise there) so one corner is completely stripped down to the concrete. Atleast we didnt' pay $17,000 for someone to rip down the damn wall for us. We do truck work which includes tearing down walls to the bare concrete. Our chiefy is going to redo the wall so hopefully it'll look pretty and not funny patchy.
Training on Saturday was awesome. Only 6 of us went, TP showed up mid-afternoon and Steve conducted the training. Steve is very textbooky in some ways. It's not a bad thing just a way he teaches sometimes. A lot of people don't like how he does things or how prideful he is but above all he knows his shit. I'd trust him in a fire with me any day of the week. There are a few guys at the station I'd go into any fire with, there are some I wouldn't trust with a pine cone. There are some that might be up to par but I couldn't say because I've never seen them train or at a fireground. Steve is just awesome, including being good looking. So enough about him, we were hoping for more of a turnout but we weren't in luck. We worked on the Denver drill woopeee. I was completely tired and fell asleep in my turnout gear while one teams did the maze. I freaked out in one area. I've done plenty of search and rescue drills, especially with no sight. Maybe it was because it was so early or I was so tired but I had to physically stop and rethink to stop my breathing and not freak out. I wasn't scared but I couldn't get my tool through so I started thinking if my tool cant get through I cant get through. I got through the first 6 foot long tight spot but the second one around a corner I had some assistance on. Steve asked me if I was claustrophobic - my response was "well I didn't think so until now." I don't know I don't think i was in the right mindframe. Now talking to him, I am considering I freaked out because it was in a house, where fires usually happen and not just some maze set up somewhere. I cut a hole into the roof and banged up a few walls. Pretty exciting day. The pictures are gonna be awesome we have some great ones of people in various sexual positions trying to figure out how to do some of the drills. Well people didn't get into sexual positions to figure out the drill but we looked so hilarious.
Is it wrong to be attracted to 20 years older than me? A lot of people my age make it seem like a crime if you like someone 5 years older than you. I dunno but my best friend is 34. With that in mind, I haven't heard from him in a few days. I think I saw a picture of him somewhere but I don't know if I really saw it or dreamt of it.
Oh yea I read an article at the hospital that surprised me. The 2 swing dancers that travel worldwide and swing dance where I dance at are a doctor and army medic. Together they figured out an algorithym to determine the prognoses of someone with needed organ transplantation. I didn't even know they were in the field of medicine, let alone so far along and so smart. Jesus.
I messaged Kevin to im me but then I just went to sleep. I dont really remember why I didnt wait for him to im me to then go to sleep. It was at 11:38pm OMG BEFORE MIDNIGHT.
I overslept today. Alarm clock was all set but never went off. 8:52 I awoke suddenly. I had a dream about a car and extrication at some point.
Watched 2 and some hours of each class member interacting with a "patient." One person was just all over the place. It was funny though. The misfit stepkid started asking about what the guy had for sidedishes for dinner the night before he had chest pains. WHAT???? The one teacher said it was the best one she saw and he did a great job! Well first of all she saw 3 videos out of 10 and he was no where near the best. He took vitals. He didnt verbalize oxygen, medications, monitor, or IV. Way to go. A dude is having chest pains. You are called to a guys' house to treat his chest pains not to become his new best friend he can call to borrow eggs from. There doesn't need to be 12 minutes of discussion before you attempt to head to the hospital. By then he could be dead.
Lunch was funny. The guys were complaining about having their prostates checked for physicals. The girls argued that going to the gyno was worst. The guys swore 2 lubricated fingers were worst. Sure enough with enough description and details, the girls won. The gyno is far worst than prostate checks.
I had to leave class while the rain was at it's worst. Everything was soaked. Even my underroos. Jebus. The doctor was nice and said i can talk after my surgery and to have turkey ice cream. Bleck. He gave me 4 different meds to take ahhhhhhhhh medicines run away!!!!!
We have a clinical at the Shock Trauma Trauma Resucitation Unit. My friend went there last week and was pretty sad about it. I'm going with my friend so that should be cool. We are partners of medicine. Sometimes I think she looks down on me because I act goofy sometimes but she has 9 years on me. I guess it's all give or take. I've gotten better though.
We have a lot of bagels but no toaster. The toaster oven died and we havent had a toaster in ages. Microwaving bagels doesnt give them that tasty crispiness they so rightfully deserve. I am devistated. We have a container of cream cheese and 5 packages of lonely various bagels. I am sad :(
I love the new RHCP album Stadium Arcadia. Some of the songs sound like their 90's album Blood, Sex, Magik but 20 of the songs are just groovy go to sleep songs.
I missed a barn fire 3 days ago at the Laurel Race Track. A horsie died from it.
New guy on the engine, really nice and cute. Taken. I tried. Well that was before I walked in to see Jessie giving him back massages as she does with every guy. jesus christ just dont do anything for anyone for one day. dont touch anyone try it. i dare ya. She cant though it's kinda creepy. Back to the guy, he volunteers at Kentland and is a newbie. He likes my friend I know over there but says some of them are pretty dicky and aholish. It's pretty bad when someone from your own station says it about the guys they ride with. The ones I've met haven't been too bad, I've met some real dickhairs at other pg stations though. I havent met everyone so I cant make a judgement.
The station was completely boring. I went over meds and watched wayyyy too much tv. More mold in the bunkroom, no surprise there.
The guys were surprised to see me with mascara and lip gloss. They want to see me all decked out in makeup. Haha
Oh yes the patient simulator thing this morning was chill. The patient was really nice and said I cared about his issues, and listened well, and calmed him. What awesomeness.
I really need something to do I am utterly bored. I'll probably sleep
Tomorrow is business. Class then doctors appt. then thirsty thursday with Lisa. Then 8 hours of iv rotations. I really need some more. Some have 30some eeeeeek I'm so behind. I just get crappy shifts.
Oh what an exciting day.3 hours of arguing test answers, 2-3 hours of bingo. Lunch was exciting with a flick of a bottle cap hitting Eric smack dab in the middle of the forehead. It looked like a movie scene.
I then slept for 4 hours at dads house and watched SVU.
Deep convos going on AIM. Things I never knew before. Most of its really sad though.
Wednesday is patient simulator at UMSchool of nursing. Thursday is dr. appt. then Thirsty Thursday with Lisa. Friday I have clinicals for 8 hours. Saturday is all day training at some house in the country. Woot go company training. JT is coming down this weekend, hopefully Saturday so that'll rock. Sunday is thanksgiving. Monday my non exciting birthday. Wednesday my surgery.
I really hope my cold stays away because i am sick of waking up everymorning feeling like crap for hours until I go to sleeep. Its really getting me down and I cant do much when Im sick.
So the guy I was digging I think has made up his mind. Everything was splended in August until I chose John. I guess after that point he decided not to care or decided something to the point to stop most communication with me. At times he still says really sweet things to me but for days I wont hear a word from him. He could just be waiting to get out the academy but I couldn't say.
I'm trying everything to forget him and tell myself I don't want to date. I really don't have the time for it nor anything that would come along with it.
I'm just sick of the assholes. It's dumb how long I took one guy's bullshit for months and I'm finally sick of it. I'll still be his friend or whatever but I wont fall into his traps anymore. That certainly won't happen again. I'm digging his friend but his friend didn't say much to me yesterday and hasnt called since. I doubt i'll ever see him again except at parties which is how it always seems to go with guys from PG county. He was nice to me when I feel asleep on him though. Who knows. I give up.
I missed yet another fire between Saturday and Sunday. It was all defensive attack outside so I didn't really miss much. Regardless I missed it.
Liz got out of the hospital Sat. and went back on Sunday. I called her earlier and had absoutely nothing to talk about. I'd call her back except, well we don't really have much in common anymore except for convos when we hang out.
I'm losing myself. It's so hard to be excited for anything anymore. It's so hard to be happy and random. I'm falling apart and I don't think I can be glued back together.
I sat in the ER for 4 hours today and did 1 stick and 1 EKG. Woopdee doo. It's going to take me forever to get as many sticks as I should have. Some people have 43 and 33 sticks and I still have 15? I really don't know how many more hours I can sit and do NOTHING WITH MY LIFE. I have read every magazine in the ER, walked around aimlessly, and done everything to stay awake.
My friend says I should skip the fire department and just become a nurse practitioner where I could really affect lives. 6 years of school is a long fucking time of endless studying, late nights, small meals, debt, and an estranged social life. I don't know if I want to wait so long to get started on a life where I'll be beaten by debts up my ass.
I'd do anything to be happy again.
Reviews of Entertainment
Meatloaf's Bat out of Hell 3 sounds really damn awesome. He finally did "It's all coming back to me" that Celine Dion sang. Mom says he was given the opportunity to sing it first but turned it down.
The Tenacious D movie looks awesome. The 2 videos I've seen for it are too cool for words. I just adore Jack Black's attack on humor. Their tickets in VA are $40 so I dont know if I'll go.
Bobby looks pretty kickass too. Elijah Wood will be excellent, if Lindsay Lohan fucks this performance up then she's done in my book. I can't stand her as it is but she could pull it off.
Spiderman 3? Orgasmic. Simply. I can not wait.
I've seen bits of Scrubs season 5 and it's still pretty funny. I somewhat think like that in the hospital. Maybe I'll think of more funny stuff while Im in the hospital to keep my time at bay?
Grey's Anatomy, pretty moderate, good bits of sadness every episode but it can improve! Alex and Izzie I definately see hopes. Oh it's still good though. Best show on the air.
Heroes is one weird show. I miss some of the points of the show since it jumps around so much. People die for no reason. I really wish they had arranged the show differently.
Oprah is still pretty spiffy when I catch it. Oprah is the woman.
I am officially a youtube addict. Definately found some good comedians on there and good short story sort of skits.
I slept 11 hours today. Pretty sweet. Talked to a few people online. Rob wants to hang out sometime at the sound garden. Jason messaged me again.
I checked out for applying with FDNY. You can apply at 17 1/2 but to be hired you must be 21 and live in New York for 6 months. When I'm 21 I doubt I'll want to be up there.
I cant wait until I'm better then I'll be lifting hours each week and running miles. My friend for atleast 5 days a week gets on the eliptical machine for 30 minutes or 3 miles each time.
I'm going to take December to get my ride along time, some fire class time, exercising, working, and ride alongs in PG county.
I'm pretty unsure about doing nursing. If I find a 1 year transition school in the tristate area then I'll consider it. Otherwise it's not worth my time or I'll do it after I get hired.
I'm considering working for Fairfax, Montgomery, or DC. After P classes I'm going to take up all of the rescue classes I can (ropes, high angle, swiftwater, swiftwater tech, trench, confined space, hazmat) and officer/instructor classes if possible. I hear at certain stations in certain countys pay thousands more if you have P and various fire classes going in the academy.
In reality, I don't want to go back to community college because half of the professors stunk. It's an overwhelming amount of time to sit in class just to earn so few credits. I may try to apply at Towson for their nursing program but I don't know, I could work as a paramedic at shock trauma and wait a few years before getting a career. I get figity and learning more about chemistry is just not what I want to do. I can't use chemistry to pull someone out of a fire more than what I already know about fires. I can't use Mark Twain to help give someone CPR. I hate sitting in classes with idiots who think their thoughts are really a contribution to the world. I skipped half of drug calculations because the nursing students in there had no idea how to do 7th grade math. The math really wasnt that hard.
Tomorrow starts the week of a busy week. We have training Saturday night so that is exciting. My vacation starts Thursday afternoon for a week. What to do what to do....
Mommy said we're having thanksgiving on Sunday instead of this Thursday. WOOPEEEE. Then its my BIRTHDAYYYYY. I don't know what I want for it or christmas still. Maybe a camera is all??? Some cds???
I think i would kill my husband/wife if I were married and they bought me a $1000 necklace like the ones at K jewelers for my birthday. I'd look at them like they were crazy, say thanks are you out of your mind you mustn't know me at all and lets go buy some dvds, cds, and appliances. I like jewelry mind you. Anything more than $50 (except for wedding rings) is ridiculous.
Three friends of mine want to nominate me as sergeant at the firehouse. On one hand I want it and on another hand I don't. With it comes more training, responsibilities, people mad at me, people complaining that I am a complete idiot and who knows what else. It will be nice because a woman has held office for a while and it'll really separate myself from the 20 year old idiots who light hairspray on fire in the tv room at 1am. This is all if my friends really do nominate me. Now If I had my choice of senior officer to work with I know who i'd choose automatically.
In other news my hives have no dissapeared. I took a shower. No help. I took 2 benadryl. No help. Then I drank some yuengling (nasty beer imo) and jungle juice. Just 1 meere cup and I don't remember a few hours. I couldn't remember seconds before what I was doing at certain times. I didn't do anything ridiculous and I kept to myself but I was triping all over myself. I then proceeded in passing out on a couch and woke up on some guy. I apologized for snoring but he didn't seem to care. I remember saying 2 sentences to him the entire night but he was so super sweet to me. I kept on telling him he was lying just to get some but then he'd say things like "Oh no if that's all I wanted then I wouldn't have let you sleep on me and talk to you for so long I like you." Actually he said a crapload of really nice stuff. He dated one of my friends but they didn't work out :( I have to call him later. My other friend got mad at me because he gets mad alot so I left. I was hoping to see more of my friends there but I didn't oh poopers.
So no meds more than 3 hours prior to drinking. Ever. I thought I had given it 2 hours which wasn't enough I spose.
In other news there is FEMALE JELLO WRESTLING at the Asylum November 21st for women. I must inquire soon!!!
One of my favorite Greys Anatomy quotes by Meredith Grey:
You don't get to call me a whore When I met you I thought i had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with I was done So all the boys, all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues Who cared, I was done
You left me
I'm all glued back together now I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke You don't get to call me a whore
So I am everloving sick. My tonsils flared up around 2 weeks ago. I caught a cold sleeping on the couch 2 days ago so my tonsils swelled up even more, to the size they were in May when I first started having the problems. So now I'm sneezy and stuffy nosed. On top of that it's not the best time of the month so I feel crappy as usuall with that. I always get orthostative hypotensive so if I get up really quickly I get dizzy and my head hurts really badly.
Mom gave me some soup earlier. Supposedly it was asparagus but she ate all of the asparagus. It looked like imitation crab meat or some other seafood in the soup but I still ate it. Fell asleep for an hour, then woke up with hives everywhere. I've never had hives before nor a reaction to anything in a soup. They don't really itch but I want to know where they came from and how to make them go away. My fatigue went away though. Now I'm incredibly sore especially my lower back and knees. I have no idea why.
Dad noticed I have sleep apnea as well. He said every 4th or 5th breath I stop breathing. Usually if you have this you wake up from it but I don't. Mom said sometimes I'd be fine until the 10th breath and I'd just stop. My snoring is worst than usual.
Today was a long day. We were in school all day long and I ended up working 5-11 instead of 4:30-9 as thought.
School was pretty interesting except I couldn't stay awake. Intracranial pressure. I could have never thought your brain could have so many effects from being injured. Oh my jesus and math calculations what is all that about? Tomorrow we get back boarded, KED boarded, and practice intubations on trauma and motorcycle patients. Oh the fun. If I get boarded I know I will be flipped. One test to see if you used enough security devices on the boards is to strap the person in then flip the board upside down. If they don't fall then you used enough straps, you they do fall then you didn't use enough.
Work was long but not too bad. It was pretty busy at one point but I talked to some good friends.
I really need to study. My teachers keep on saying I should get a tutor. I really dont want one. It could help me and I realize that. I also realize that my self esteem will drop because all of the tutors are people who graduated last year and it's like they are rubbing their paramedic licenses in my face. "OOOO look what I got and look what you are struggling to get hahahahahaha in your faceeee"
My parents were really weird on the phone tonight. My mom wants strawberries in her underwear, my dad wants chocolate chips in his socks (or so he told me in a booga booga language) and my dad left me a message in his made up language.
The greatest part today, realizing at 9pm that I wore 2 pairs of underwear today. This morning I was so tired instead of changing it I just put one on ontop of the ones I was wearing. Just too weird.
I opened my day old cheese and there was blue mold on half of it!!!!! The package was closed and everything. It doesnt expire until January. I must return it :(
Today was a much better day. I even saw my friend Chris leaving work. He is my pizza delivery buddy. He yelled at me for not calling him. I commonly get mad at people for not calling me. Sometimes it's because I don't call them in the first place!!!! Eeks i need to remember that
Today I bought new nipple rings. I switched one of them in the mall without much pain. I was able to do the same to the more painful one. They look so pretty now. They are the half moon shape on the bottom right but the cones are blue.
. I may take out the black ones and just wear the purples.
Halloween sucked majorly. I couldn't find anyone to do anything with and when I did I passed it up to take mom to some party. Well she got mad/bored at the party so we weren't even there for an hour. That frustrated me because I missed drinking and trick or treating. Oh well.
Paul found some old pics and convos on his computer. Here's one that captures where I spent half of my time in his house.
Yup in a pantry. I always took cans from that beloved pantry. We had many a fight on if the door should be kept open or closed....along with if the blinds should remain close, he should turn off his computer screen, or we should go outside.
I haven't been so confused by a guy in years. Slowly I'm figuring things out. We've chilled a lot but sometimes things are akward or he wont really talk to me. I used to talk to him everyday and I'm lucky now if it's twice a week. He's in sheriff's school which is his major time constraint. I would do so much for that goofy boy. The only thing I can do is wait and hope for the best. I miss him alot though.
In other news I have a lot to learn about trauma. It's one of my favorite medical interests. We have 2 tests and a practical test next week all on ONE DAY. I hope I still like trauma afterwards.
I'm so happy for my friend (my other one). He has the roughest time with women and has finally found the one, he's so in love. :) Yay him i'm so happppyyyy.
Off to the reneissance festival. One person isnt coming of course but mom is coming. I'll make her taste the nasty beer. We'll dress like fairie yay. Tomorrow I work for 10 hours. Tuesday is test day in class.
I saw Jason for the last time yesterday. We saw the Last Kiss with Zack Braff. Pretty ok movie, not as good as I expected. Apparently I am the slowest eater he has ever seen. He's the best puddle jumper I've ever met.
Today was a crazy day. I took mom to work at 9am. Luckily i grabbed a banana nut muffin for breakfast. Went to the station, lifted weights, read a newspaper, and watched some fucking hilarious movie from 93 parady-ing various movies. It reminded me of Don't Be in the Hood While Drinking Orange Juice or whatever that movie is called.
12 oclock, box alarm on Montevideo Road. Truck 6 first arriving fire apparatus. Jesus christ I am so freaking sore. I have never smelled a spice smell so horrible in my life. Thyme burning for hours on in is horrible. I did a bunch of work and luckily didn't have to do some other stuff. I still have some weird thing against chainsaws. Its the noise for sure but It bothers me to no end. I went to rehab twice and got sent back in alot. It was a good learning experience. Very smelly. I met some new people so that was groovy. Left at 4:30. I stood there with scba on for 2-3 hours and by the end I was so happy to leave.
I took a really loud nap in the tv room and snored nonstop. I had candies on my face when I woke up. Wonder how I managed that. Watched some tv and studied for a bit. Oh yes bought 10# of potatoes and lots of chicken.
Now im pooped and sleepy. Off to bed I go soon. John still hasnt called. Dumbass. My hands smell like grossness.
I left at 10:30 exhausted and sweaty to see that Ryan called. He's now shipping out Thursday instead of November so I started freaking out. I went up to his place and saw Greg :) We went bar hoping until 2 something am. On the spur of the moment I agreed to go to Ocean City and be back by 9. I slept slumpt over on Ryan and we got pulled over but no tickets. We got there and walked on the boardwalk and beach which was so awesome. We stood in the water for awhile and watched the sunrise. The sky looked like a bob ross painting. Driving down Coastal Highway brought back soooo many memories of fire week. The first memory was of course with Dustin and his friends out on the beach. I mean it wasnt a 40 person party with kegs but it's what I thought of the entire time I was down there.
Ryan drove back while I snored loudly in the front seat. I considered staying the day and I regret not doing it but I couldnt risk missing the first day of P class without knowing if I would face consequences.
Jason says saddists only hurt those who want to be hurt. He says a saddist will never be sadistic to a macicist. I have some friends in the class so thats aweosme.
Sad to say but one of my brothers at Savage VFC died this week, a few days before his wife died. Karl Wagner was taking a cross country trip on his motorcycle when a 74 year old man made an illegal left turn and hit the motorcycle. Black ribbon and tape is everywhere around the firehouse. I haven't cried from it yet and I'm wondering when I will. I barely knew Matt Simms and cried so much when he died. Mostly I figuring I'm trying to block it out of my head. It's rough seeing the guys pass his locker or taking a moment of silence in front of it. That affects me worst than seeing the ribbon drapped on his locker and across the front of the firehouse.
My friend was kicked out so he'll be living with me for a few weeks. That'll be cool hopefully we dont kill each other. I told John about a dude living with me and he didn't object to it. Im sure he's not estatic but John'll live. I let him do his thing and I do mine.
Alot has happened. Went camping on saturday which was alrighty. I got pretty sad for some reason. Sunday I probably slept all day and went to work that was complete crap. The only good thing was free krispy kreme donuts.
Monday I went to work for a few hours. I kept telling myself "on the next hour or half an hour i'll take my break" 6 hours later I decided to just leave and go home. I mightve come up to the firehouse that night.
Tuesday I went to Bladensburg to ride at their firehouse. I was kinda miffed about how the ride along went considering I didnt ride anything nor were there any calls. Im not sure if im still interested in joining there or not. Only the older guys ride the truck (i can see why) but they have a quint and 2 engines. The only other chicks there were ambo gals so Im sure I'd have hell of a time trying to catch some fire. As if i have no clue what I'm doing. That night I figured to go to the firehouse where I ran some bs calls. I did some training at crazy ray's junk yard which was pretty sweet. My arms are so sore from using a circular saw to tear the hood off the car when it was sideways. We ran a fire at the car wash down off of route 1. It was pretty for the entire minute I saw it. Today we did RIT review so that was sweet. I followed along with everything and was amazed how much I knew.
There's this video online of a ladder bailout and a few pictures on magazines around the firehouse. Basically you jump/fall/climb/get out of a window face first down a ladder because you know if you don't you aren't going to make it. Everytime I see it I want to cry.
I went to the doctor today. Received tb test and meningitis vaccine. Told my doc about my problem and looked at me like I had 17 heads. She gave a slight explanation but nothing on how it happens. I gotta go to a gyno. I'm worried about my surgery still, my insurance expires when I turn 19. I'm not sure if it's sometime during the year or during my birthday. However, I have to get the surgery during Thanksgiving break after my birthday.
Cleaned the house like a madman yesterday. John came over for dinner (really weird dinner mom brewed up) and watched 50 First Dates. Lately I've been sorta down but i dunno. Just new relationship crap building trust and blowing off people you once like/or like you. I hate doing it because it means one less person I could have fallen in love with.
I really miss one of my friends. I havent seen him in almost 2 weeks but miss him to death. He's one of my really good friends and i havent talked to him this week with internet being down. Our hangout date tonight was cancelled for a job thing going on but I dunno, there's something about him. I just hope I chose the right guy. I'm praying I did. I keep on being asored that it's a bad idea to date someone in the fire service but it's hard not to. I also don't want to hurt him.