I just read a cool list which I'll stick below. It got me thinking...
How do I feel? Today I felt okay. I was neutral, not upset nor too happy. There were outside opposing forces, things said and done that I couldn't control. I didn't want nor dislike things that happened. I was a walking body of Switzerland. Neutral. It's better to be this way I feel, however I let my emotions control me sometimes. The past few months I've just been in this middle state, I'm not really upset nor too excited about anything in life. Sure I get happy about the small things and those are the things that get me by. Dancing, seeing good friends, cooking a favorite dish, getting neat stuff at Walmart. I have goals and plans and while I am happy to accomplish them, in the whole world it doesn't seem like that big a deal. I'm not sure if it's because so few people really recognize all of our accomplishments and make notice that it makes us feel insufficiently small, or we do it to ourselves.
I suppose I don't have any complaints. I could reflect on the past negatively or just look back in general, but then you spend too much time living in the past rather than the now. I feel okay about it. Just last week I was pessimistic about missing an awesome job opportunity - I could be living on my own (I sorta do now) and be making close to $40k. It'd be a cool job that I'd enjoy, but how fulfilling would it be in the long run? I feel I didn't work for Baltimore City FD for a reason. Was it to perfectly align the future to happen or was it just by chance?
Now that things are going smoothly after months of job searching, I don't feel this need to reflect on what I've missed. I never had that university experience and living in a dorm, but I think i've grown socially in ways much broader than that. I hear it's a great experience too so maybe I'll take it up in the near future. I'm not stuck in this dark hole that I was in.
Emotionally I feel stable. Am I really? Hard to say. I don't get upset nor too too happy. People think negatively about my actions because I don't get as happy as some people do. Maybe I just get happy based on different things. I don't cry at funerals. I haven't cried in ages. I don't feel any hatred to any retarded exes I've dated and I learned how to get over any guy I fall for in 3 weeks flat. That's thanks to Merlyn and Buddhism.
Then again, that's whats kept my distance from anyone. Why even like someone more than friends if you know automatically what will happen. I seriously haven't liked anyone since the summer. I have great friends but there hasn't been one person I've craved to be around or just wanting to hear from. Why have such thoughts? To let yourself down? To like the wrong guy again? To get attached to something so impermanent? I don't have to beat myself up for making a wrong move or going after the wrong guy or being too nice to an asshole.
I think I've created a tunnel vision in this area, I've had plenty of guys like me, but I just don't like them. However, I really only wanted someone around for the holidays. I'm not hip on the dating scene unless I'm in love and that doesn't happen. I stopped saying that phrase a year and a half ago. My stance on monogamy isn't the same as many others and my goals in life are nothing similar to anyone I've ever met. Then again, I'm not one much for love. I enjoy it but why want anything if it's something out of your control? I put up some odd facade that I'm so upset that I'm not dating, and I probably was when I was bored going to school not having shit to do or anywhere to go. What's the point when you can love yourself? I say I hate sleeping alone but with most people I go insane if they are on my side of the bed or on my pillows. I did say I hated hookups. I don't enjoy them as much as I did when I was drunk all the time, but they're fine. It's sucky to be viewed as a piece of meat which men are great at doing. I have aced this skill very finely and a hookup is a hookup. When it's over you roll. What's cuddling for? Some people it's awesome, others it's like what the point. It's not nearly as good as it should be but that's only because emotions are left out. Ever had that amazing sex with someone who truly cares about you and missed you? Completely different than some guy you met at a bar.
I'm ok alone. I don't have control over it. I'm slowly learning to be okay with everyone else's relationship achievements. It's hard to congratulate everyone while no one congratulates you. It's hard to let go of friends because they choose their loved one over ones who aren't so close. Then again, most of these people are family people I'm not like that at all.
For some reason, I feel okay. Just okay. I wish I felt ecstatic but I feel let down at times. I'd rather be slightly surprised than disappointed. I don't think I've been the best person I could be. I could be so much more. I have been that person. I'd like to be the person that people say they never heard a bad comment about another person from. I'd like to be able to accept everyone. I wish I'd stop wanting to help everyone, it just may be the death of me. I seemingly try to persuade my friends to achieve high things, go to college, get a degree, get a great job, and improve themselves. This is rather fruitless. I've mostly stopped and I've stopped looking poorly at people with stinky jobs because some can help where they work and others can't. It's okay to hang with someone who isn't at the same level in life. It's okay that people fail, not everyone will make it.
Is life just supposed to be okay?
13 steps to a better life What does all this mean to you? If money won’t bring you happiness, what will? How can you stop making yourself miserable and start learning to love life? According to my research, these are the thirteen actions most likely to encourage happiness:
1. Don’t compare yourself to others. Financially, physically, and socially, comparing yourself to others is a trap. You will always have friends who have more money than you do, who can run faster than you can, who are more successful in their careers. Focus on your own life, on your own goals.
2. Foster close relationships. People with five or more close friends are more apt to describe themselves as happy than those with fewer.
3. Have sex. Sex, especially with someone you love, is consistently ranked as a top source of happiness. A long-term loving partnership goes hand-in-hand with this.
4. Get regular exercise. There’s a strong tie between physical health and happiness. Anyone who has experienced a prolonged injury or illness knows just how emotionally devastating it can be. Eat right, exercise, and take care of our body. (And read Get Fit Slowly!)
5. Obtain adequate sleep. Good sleep is an essential component of good health. When you’re not well-rested, your body and your mind do not operate at peak capacity. Your mood suffers. (Read more in my brief guide to better sleep.)
6. Set and pursue goals. I believe that the road to wealth is paved with goals. More than that, the road to happiness is paved with goals. Continued self-improvement makes life more fulfilling.
7. Find meaningful work. There are some who argue a job is just a job. I believe that fulfilling work is more than that — it’s a vocation. It can take decades to find the work you were meant to do. But when you find it, it can bring added meaning to your life.
8. Join a group. Those who are members of a group, like a church congregation, experience greater happiness. But the group doesn’t have to be religious. Join a book group. Meet others for a Saturday morning bike ride. Sit in at the knitting circle down at the yarn shop.
9. Don’t dwell on the past. I know a guy who beats himself up over mistakes he’s made before. Rather than concentrate on the present (or, better yet, on the future), he lets the past eat away at his happiness. Focus on the now.
10. Embrace routine. Research shows that although we believe we want variety and choice, we’re actually happier with limited options. It’s not that we want no choice at all, just that we don’t want to be overwhelmed. Routines help limit choices. They’re comfortable and familiar and, used judiciously, they can make us happy.
11. Practice moderation. Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. It’s okay to indulge yourself on occasion — just don’t let it get out of control. Addictions and compulsions can ruin lives.
12. Be grateful. It’s no accident that so many self-help books encourage readers to practice gratitude. When we regularly take time to be thankful for the things we have, we appreciate them more. We’re less likely to take them for granted, and less likely to become jealous of others.
13. Help others. Over and over again, studies have shown that altruism is one of the best ways to boost your happiness. Sure, volunteering at the local homeless shelter helps, but so too does just being nice in daily life
No Idea What to Title This The first SIX (6) people to respond to this post will get something made by me. It will be about or tailored to those six who respond first.
This offer does have some restrictions and limitations: -- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make. -- What I create will be just for you. -- It'll be done this year. -- You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be a mix tape. It may be fic, or a poem. I may draw or paint something. I might bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure! -- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.
The catch? Oh, the catch is that you have to put this in your journal as well, if you expect me to do something for you!
Im having a Mad Hatter Dinner Tea Party on Saturday. If anyone is in the area and would like to come just let me know - you gotta dress as a character (or dress nicely at least). Its at 6pm.
If you have any ideas for the party let me know, suggestions would be really nice. I have the table set up so that's a start. I was thinking playing cards, chess and checkers. Hookah as well. I suppose I shall be decorating this weekend. I didn't plan very well because I'm a procrastinator and I rarely ever have parties.
Life is alrighty. I quit that crappy job where I wasn't getting paid on time or the right amount. I have been hired by the Sykesville Fire Department so hopefully I start that soon.
I'm going to Roanoke for college - Jefferson college of health services. It's a paramedic to rn associates program. Then they have an associates to bachelors program so I'll be there for 2 years total starting next May.
School is going moderately well. Life is alrighty, I haven't really gone anywhere except for the past week. My social life isn't that large but it seems to be picking back up.
What is your favorite word? Fuck. So raw, pure, immoral. Expresses anger or an activity you hate to love. Compassion is a good one too but not the softest sounds, the meaning is wonderful. Nirvana ties in 3rd.
What is your least favorite word? Silly. It's something a 5 year old would say, not a 25 year old. I had the sound and the meaning.
What turns you on? Intellegence and confidence. Intellegence can range from knowledge, skills, or being able to express yourself well in a artistic manner. Confidence - well look at anyone who isn't. No they don't know everything but they sure make a damn good try at it.
What turns you off? Lying and body hair. Besides your parents putting god fear into for doing something wrong, why is there a need to lie? You did something you shouldn't have? Why didn't you consider that before you did it? Better to own up to your guilt than deny your imperfections. No not everyone is trust worthy but besides surprises lying usually does no good. It is more forgiving to tell the truth about something crappy you did than lie about doing good when really you didn't. It builds a false view of who you are and once that is broken, you are always imperfect and could potentially lie about everything.
What sound do you love? Soft rain pattering on trees.
What sound do you hate? Things that involve your mouth. Chewing loudly, drinking with annoying sips, hacking up mucous, suctioning someone's mouth, gagging, throwing up.
What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? Acting or being an activist.
What profession would you not like to participate in? Bounty hunting and sewage facility management.
What is your favorite curse word? Shitfucker.
If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
Either lets have a drink and watch Showtime or telling me exactly where everything did or didn't come from.
Everything I wanted Was everything I'd never have Everyone I needed Was never there for me Every hope I ever had Was a dream never come true
All I ever wanted Was to be your everything But your everything You didn't think I could be Maybe I expected too little Maybe you expected too much The past is the past And is long since gone
All I ever wanted was just a glance Yet you fell in love never looking at me So now the universe is yours And I'll never have that second chance Of giving you the world Someone to love and soulful romance
Everything I wanted I know I'll never have Everyone I needed Will never need me Every hope I dreamed up Was a dream for you and me
No Cares (By Me Again)
You don't miss me You didn't say goodbye You didn't care at all Because what you said was all a lie
My broken heart is now shattered My dreams frayed, torn and tattered I wish I had known I was just a girl That everthing that happened was a fairy tale
I would give you everything I have But what I have is an empty heart shaped box You want a mansion of silver and gold The only metal I have is for my food I don't have much at all Not much to you is everything to me
You want to snowboard and the skii the Alps But I can only sled on hills with trash lids You want a car with rims and TVs But I only have a bike with a horn that squeeks You want to travel and fly in the clouds But I show them to you lying in the grass You want a queen, mansion, and money But all I have is a dime and cardboard box
I wish I could give you the world Of course you'd still want more Then I see we just aren't meant to be I'll never have what you want or need And what you gave me was A trickle of lies and scury of truth Not a heart of gold or billions of dollars Will ever be good enough for you So I'll take my life of nothings And give it to someone unlike you Where I know it'll be their somethings
If Only (By me the last time)
If only I were older If only you were younger If only I met you then Or you had just met her now
I've heard it and you've said it true Time and time again, right out the blue If you weren't with her, you'd be with me Happiness and true love meant to be
If only times were different If only she weren't here If only we'd have timing down You'd be a king with a crown
Things will never be this way It's the truth I've come to see We'll never be happily in love We'll never utter the words "we"
I know you're happy with her But I know what I feel inside Are the same things you think of Like The feelings we're leaving behind I'll hope we'll be together one day Not now but in the next heaven or life Things won't have to be this way We'll be in love and I'll be your wife
Snow Patrol Lyrics
You could be happy, I hope you are You made me happier than I'd been by far Somehow everything I own smells of you And for the tiniest moment it's all not true Do the things that you always wanted to Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
You left your door wide open Couldn't help but walk in It's the last place I should be But I'm dying to see you Have I held out for something That is never going to happen? It's not me that you love You woke up cold this morning Shied away from my touch I would never mean to hurt you Cause I love you so much Was it always only one night That you every wanted from me? It's not me that you love
Scrubs - "We bounce around this thing and I never had the courage to just stand up and tell you how I feel... I'm crazy about you. And I want you to know, if I had the choice of hanging out with anyone in the entire world, or sitting at home with you, eating a pizza, watching a crappy TV show, I'd choose you everytime."
Bowling for Soup remade Fergie's "London Bridges Falling" attrocity that they call a song. How the hell Fergie sells millions of cds is beyond me. Gwen Steffani's new song is shit as well.
Maybe it's me but I'm becoming very short with new pop, half of the pop-rock shit and tv shows that everyone loves.
I hate the amercian idol bullshit and the reality gameshows. The real world sucks once again. I watched Beauty and Geeks by mistake but the last show I did see was pretty funny. The chief cook show kinda sucks and project runway is only worth seeing the season finale. I saw 15 seconds of Deal or No Deal last week and it was horrible. Turkeys running around? I'm telling you there are little motors in those suitcases that rotate the prices so they control what money the people choose. How that is entertaining? Well with the IQ of half of america now I am not surprised. It takes 3 minutes to choose suitcases not 30 fucking minutes.
I've been watching a lot of tv. The Everest show is pretty darn cool. The other people who are climbing after the guy whose expedition is going up first shouldn't be allowed to use their ropes or climb the same time they do. 130 some people on one mountain is too much. It's also rude to not pay for the sharpas who have to put all of the ropes up or the roping just to use it cuz of whatever reason.
Heroes is mediocre. It could be better but it just hasn't been made to the potential it could be made. The plot is great but the directing is give or take. The special effects are pretty cool. Grey's Anatomy was pretty damn good last week. They had a few weeks of not so greatness but last week was like breathtaking "woah." Scrubs reruns are pretty good. I saw the last episode of That 70's Show by mistake and it wasn't that great. I wish I had known that it was the last show before I started watching it.
March of the Penguins was pretty good.
I dropped my car off at the mechanics. It started overheating on the journey over :/
People are still leaving messages stating, "Hey call me back tomorrow I want to know how you're doing." I still can't talk! I've been texting everyone back but I don't know if they get them or not. A lot of people have been checking up on me which is really sweet. Some of my cockier guy friends text me "want some peniscillin?" Oh jesus I have heard that 50 times atleast in the past 2 months. No I do not want some peniscillin. What thoughtful friends I have. *sigh*
Is it me or do all of the people on Miami Ink have sour attitudes? The bald guy is rude to customers automatically saying "no i dont do that shit." Why not politely explain why that tattoo isn't your style? Is it costing you 20 seconds more of your precious time to be that much more nice? I dunno maybe it's me but I like people to be POLITE. The people I've come across in the tattoo/piercing business seem to have attitudes for the most part. Why the hell? You aren't some bad ass just cuz this is your job. If this is how they think they should act, how should surgeons act if they cut off body parts? Like jackasses that cut you off on your drive home? I've been to many tattoo parlors and walked out within seconds just because how shitty they treated me.
Wouldn't it be wierd that you could tell someone's profession by the way they drive? All people the produce injury to someone are aggressive drivers like doctors, construction workers too because they cut into the earth. Then all farmers would drive the nicest.
Body FX? Well yea they've got ads pouring out their asses but act like God. Their work certainly doesn't show they are God and they overprice you. The overpricey piercers on main street in Ellicott City - pretty damn mean. The now-closed tattoo place on route 1 in Laurel - really nice but the tat artist seemed really high and was a twin to Loe from that 70's Show. Meade Ink - pretty decent when I went. Now I can't say. Bill in Ellicott City (near the parking lot) is really awesome. He's been my only piercer (besides some claires idiots when I was 7) and was straightforward with what he was doing. I don't know how his tattooing style is but i've seen his work and it's good.
The Finding Nemo Gamecube game is funnnnnn. I started last night but i'm already to where Dori is found. It looks like a game I might be able to FINALLY WIN!!!!!!!! ( I have only finished 1 playstation 2 game out of the 50+ I have)
Mom and I went grocery shopping yesterday. It didn't go as well as planned. Of course it took 4 hours :/ My usual goal is to not overspend and make sure mom doesnt get upset and take as little time as possible. My mom got angry because of 1 of 3 reasons, 1. I was a kid 2. the store messes up pricing 3. people stare. Well apparently I missed something this time but 2 of the 3 igniters were elimenated. How people run into my mom in grocery stores is beyond me. She sits at 3 1/2 feet usually but how people run into her I dont get. This time a lot of people were staring at me more than usual, probably because I was with her. It was fun trying to talk and sounding like a retard. My mom laughed at something I did and 3 mothers turned around to look. Is my mom not aloud to laugh? Was she not born with a laughing ability as well as the inability to raise a kid, do the horizontal bop or drive? Who knows. My mom however is better at yelling randomly in stores than anyone i've ever seen. While most people direct their anger at their kids for being fucktards or cashiers for performing below monkey capabilities, my mom screams at everyone within shouting distance. It sounds like she's yelling at me talking about everyone else in 3rd person. It doesnt really do much besides get me all upset and mom angry for a few hours, she bounds to tell everyone around everything on her mind and what they are probably thinking as well. Now this doesn't give people a good impression, maybe of one that I am yelled at in this manner on a minute basis but in all these years no one has told her "no thats not what I was thinking/why I was looking/etc."
The best part, when my dad and I go somewhere and I call him my dad. Did he kidnap her? Is she an albino?
A lot of people ask how my mom could have me if she's in a wheelchair. Well she can use her legs and stand on them just not walk with them. The rest of her is the same so why people cant think of how my mom can reproduce or pop a baby with a big head out doesn't make sense. I came through the window instead of the door because I was so big and because shes so small, no other reason. People also act like I've had to adapt like Tarzan living with people in wheelchairs. Well we lived in a townhouse for years. Everything is closer to the ground like cabinets and things get tight in the kitchen but thats it. I dont labor around the house for hours because my parents cant push a mop or vacuum. Yea its easier for me to do some things but jesus.
Current Mood: bored Current Music:korn - twisted transistor
For one how teenager or "adults" can't save money. Some do have real expenses like cars, food, housing, clothing, etc. Others have a cell phone bill, earn $600 a month and spend it all in a month. How you don't know how to put money in a bank account is beyond comprehension in my head. How you don't pass your drivers written test is beyond my belief especially for the permit. Did you not pay attention to what your parents did all those years you were a kid and they drove you around? Do you possibly not know a stop sign is red?
Maybe it's me but I hate stupidity in people my age. Thank GOD ALMIGHTY they are sticking a financial class in the high school ciriculum so someone might know something about fucking bank accounts and financial balancing.
This isn't everyone though! It's only Columbia it seems. I have friends in Penn state paying for their OWN education. Their own? Are you fucking serious? Yes Columbia! Parents don't pay for everything everywhere. In some places parents dont have money! I have friends 30+ years old who paid for their own college. 40 year olds still paying off college debts. At first I was critical of them on why they hadn't paid them off by now but come on $200,000 in college payments is a hellalot to pay. Whatever happened to kids leaving home and LIVING on their own? I guess that doesn't exist in Columbia. Kids are going to Harvard because rich daddy is paying for it.
Why are kids having sex (esp. without condoms) if they don't even know how to make more than $7 an hour? THat's not going to pay child support hon.
I also find it funny how people in Columbia are happy to get a 15 cent raise on a $7 job they are making. I have friends that are 21 making $17. That's some good money right there, especially with no college to back them up. But hey I know fire department rookies making $39,000 a year and are 19 years old. This salary isn't great, doesn't get you much fire or car accidents, but does get you near $100,000 in 10-15 years down the road with some good insurance, benefits, and salary. 9 days they work a month. The military from what I hear, straight out of high school you get $14,000 a year. That's what you make in McDonalds 40 hours a week.
So how the lower class is increasing the middle class is being run out - I completely understand how it's happening thanks to college grads out of Columbia.
i started reading some friends' posts and then got sorta nauseous.
my surgery went well i suppose. before surgery my bp was 115/70 something. HR 115. After surgery, bp was 90/50. Apparently my tonsils have been a great influence on my high blood pressure and pulse. Crazy.
I feel misearable after the surgery. All ive done is sit in bed really. i got online for 5 minutes yesterday and ive watched more tv than i care to watch.
instead of sleeping with sleep apnea and not breathing i now wake up not able to breathe. oh how much better that is :/
i almost didnt get my piercings back in after the surgery. good thing i was still on meds because i know it woulda hurt a heck of a lot trying to get it back in.
im pretty nauseous today. my lymph nodes are still swollen to hollys handbasket in the same places as before. i can barely talk and my tongue has funny bumps on it from the surgery where they kept my mouth open.
greys anatomy was weird last night. sorta sad and all about betrayel.
im sorta eating sorta not. i want a bread bowl with crab dip but instead i get popsicles. i cant eat ice cream or any dairy cuz i have mucus everywhere.
i have to get out the house. mom and i are going to grandmommys and later i'll stop by the firehouse to visit a sgt. back from iraq.
every year im sick on my birthday, thanksgiving, or christmas. this year it was thanksgiving. I remember every year by my sicknesses.
TOday I've felt like crap. My pecs have been burning all day and I ache no matter what I do or how I sit. Woot to bench pressing :/ Atleast it doesnt feel like my chest is ripping apart.
People at social services are wack. one person said I'm insured until I'm 20, one person said until my 19th birthday, another until the end of the month. Fortunately they renewed my insurance until next year.
I absolutely hate politics. Everyone hates everyone else and thinks their opinions are absolutely correct.
Jason says he'll be back by Valentines day so he'll be my valentine. His camp got bombed 4 times today. He's going back for another tour. Of everything I cried because he's going back. I don't want him over there or any of my other friends either. His message to me today was pretty deep. He's overseas and I'm worried about some boy liking me. I guess it's all just to make things seem less than what they are. We do it on calls all the time. Someone will die in a car accident and we joke about how he's a geyser and whatever. It's hard.
My captain's son just celebrated his 18th birthday in boot camp for the marines.
Why aren't non-mainstream bands/artists on the Music Awards? Let's shove some Marilyn Manson, Iron Maiden, and Goldfrapp or industrial instead of Beyonce shakin her too small dress across the stage (her being the most dressed performer these days) or Tony Bennett on the competing channel. I'm sorry but he can't sing anymore. I wanna hear System of a Down get up on there and say a few words. What the hell is Gwen Stefani singing? She looks like a bad madonna rip off.
Dad is going crazy about my surgery. He said he'll take my keys away and charge me with breaking and entering if I try to stay home tomorrow after my surgery instead of staying at his apartment. poop Some surgery isnt going to deliabilitate me but for so long is my thought.
Current Mood: bitchy Current Music:Some bad Jay Z tune
This firefighter in the MD/Pa area makes various videos, mostly PG county and random house fires in Pa. The video above is a pretty spiffy one, mostly with the Kentland boys on it. Alot of people give kentland shit and call them assholes but the few I've met have been pretty decent to me. On fire calls, well aggression comes out of everyone it doesn't matter who you are. I have some good friends down there.
I bought Red Hot Chili Peppers tickets finally. They were $60 for some high up seats in god knows where. I forgot to buy them presale time and I went to buy them yesterday but didnt process it. Now the tickets are like a million miles away from the seats. i bidded on ebay for 2 seats before I found 1 floor seat. I hope I dont win the ebay seats but the price I paid was $200. Yipes!
My bank account is low. I have some paychecks to put in the bank but I owe mom some car money plus money to fix my car and now the tickets. I'm wondering if I should just continue working where I am and start going back OR if I should find a quick temp job. I really dont want to work somewhere else though so we'll see.
A ton of people left messages on myspace and called my phone today. Lisa and Liz both remembered plus a lot of people I havent talked to in years on facebook. Greg surprised me and came up. We just watched tv for a long while but it was pretty cool. The rents gave me Shaun of the Dead and a My Chemical Romance cd.
I may be camping out for Black Friday which would be awesome. Just chillin with some random friends of a friend.
My friend McGill came back from Iraq for 2 weeks. He'll be there this Friday at duty crew and supposedly some partying sometime soon. WOOPEE i've missed him.
Most of my friends seem to be having relationship issues. Misery loves company.
Thanksgiving - My gmoms boyfriend and my great aunt are down which is really wack since no one really comes down and moms family isn't that big. Mom seems all excited about it.
Current Mood: awake Current Music:Fuel - Adrenaline
Jason emailed me wooppeeee. He doesnt sound so good over there. He needs to come back soon.
Still deciding where to join in PG county. I'm giving myself until the end of the year to decide. I know where I want to be but being there would be a nightmare. A lot of people start out at Bladensburg and move on to a station they stay at. Alot say that Bladensburg is a negative place and everyone argues. They seemed to give me hell just to ride along. Then again they run some decent fires and crashes against a lot of the stations that say girls shouldnt ride. My future ride alongs with other stations will determine where I go. If I could I'd just jump into 14 and get to know stuff down there. I do know that I have to separate myself from all of the other girls who don't run shit.
Down in pg alot of girls are there for the boys. They run 1 call and make it sound like they did a whole load of shit. From what I hear not many girls ride anything down there.I can name off stations where girls dont ride anything except the ambo. But hey I've caught fire on the ambo so I cant diss the bandaid box but so much.
I think I've overcome my fear of chainsaws. I didn't fear them so much but they are so loud I didn't like them. I trained on them some time ago and avoid anything to do with them. Now that I've learned how the hell to start one up (i still need help because my upper arm strength sucks) I'm a notch better on the truck. I hate the sound of metal cutting but I love roof work. CAPOW there went the roof. With the truck class I think i'll be set to boot. Oh I am so excited. I had fun attacking walls with the halligan.
There's a boating class being offered in Anne Arrundel county next year. I have no clue what I'd ever need it for but i may just take it. I'm looking into swift water though that is one fun fuckin class.
Jesus so many people sent me messages how sweet of them :) Adam did and I havent talked to him in ages what sweetheart friends I have. Jesus that's why I like him so much damn him
I read an article the other day about this guy who would go around and give out money to those in need. He's given out thousands and was known as secret santa. He now just came out to the public that he was the one. I want to find the article.
Current Mood: frustrated Current Music:Tool - The Pot
this is a super long post Buckethead made a song with Serj Tankian. It's pretty odd. The video is very much as well.
Thanksgiving was good. I was able to stop mom from getting mad. I cooked the turkey, very good. I don't like white meat it always tastes dry to me. I don't understand how people can like that but not dark meat. The cran-orange stuff we ate was horrible. Blech. I took a lovely 5 hour nap after dinner.
I missed the Oella music event going on due to my car being broken and sleeping. I am sad :(
Oh yea my car is now broken. It will drive but it's not good. It overheats now. I put coolant/antifreeze and oil in my car, it doesn't help. I have to wait a week until my mechanic is back in the area from vacation. Smokey it gets. Good thing I don't have many places to go this week.
Mom and dad went out to the Styx concert last night. They said they can't sing anymore but the music was still good. My parents were so happy last night. If they went out once a week or every other week I think they'd be happier. Dad is driving mom up the wall about black friday. It's all he talks about now. Ugg
Dad had commentary during the Iraq ER documentary we watched. Mom and I are on the edge of tears when he cuts in with why soldiers are over there for the country blah blah. Jesus just ruin the mood. Dad agrees with Kerry's supposed "joke" made this week about "if you don't do well in school you'll end up in Iraq." Yea that's complete bullshit. A lot of people are over there for there fellow soldiers, paying for school, or paying for things for their family. Just because someone is over there doesn't mean they are high school drop outs with no future. Man.
Back to the documentary on comcast demand, it was really sad. One soldier went it with a gun shot to his chest and it injured his pulmonary artery. They operated on him and waited 6 hours for him to get better. He needed to be on a vent but he had a pulse and vitals. They just pulled his tube saying "oh he wont make it". They go by life or limb which I definately understand but they amputate people over there just because there is no feeling/pulse/activity in that limb at that time. Over here they do almost anything to save limbs, or atleast go in for surgery, repair what they can and wait a day atleast to see if things improve. Over there they just chop it off. I think there could be less amputations from the iraq war. The soldiers were just mentally distraught from everything it was pretty damn sad. I kept on thinking of people I know over there.
March 2006 they said 2,000+ soldiers have died. 17,000 have been injured. Before we went over there a lot of people I talked to believed we should be over there. 5 years later and almost everyone wants the soldiers home. Why the hell'd we go over there in the first fucking place. It's still not a fucking war thanks to the Senate not declaring it so. "military actions" they call it
I fucked myself out of good Red Hot Chili Pepper tickets. I kept on forgetting to get the presale tickets so all of the floor tickets are sold out. What crap. I don't feel like sitting in a seat some distance off buttt they are the rhcp and i've missed every other concert they've played at. I spose I'll still buy tickets for $70 damn dollars.
Sometimes I feel bad not being invited to some things. Then I think how I'm suited to attend such things. It's the second time this weekend:/ Friday i was sad because some people were talking about the Fire convention and rooming together and going out drinking. Then I remember what I could have missed out on to hang with people I already hang out with. The convention was stressful at times but was so freaking sweet I'd do it again the same way any day.
A lot of people have messaged me about my birthday. Jennifer, Mark E Mark, and Ernie of all people remembered. How sweet of them :) Other friends have remembered like Frank, Phil, Lisa, and my chiefy but I told them and they know me well/long enough to know anyways.
I like this new kid named Kevin. He drove up from Riverdale to sit around the firehouse Friday/Saturday morning. He's really sweet to me. I'd like to think he's the real deal and not some jerk looking to get some like most of the other guys I know, especially from PG county and his firehouse. I dunno though. I'm still sketchy about his dealio. He's a nice country boy. He's heard every damn thing that I've done at every party which is just funny. I didn't even know this guy and he has all of this info on me haha. That's a part of the reason why I'm not too sure about him O.o From what he says at the party i went to 2 weeks ago I slow danced with him in the kitchen to a country song. I sat around a bonfire for awhile and we talked. I'd ask him a question and by the first word of his answer I'd be snoring. Too bad I don't remember it at all. Oh yea I fell out of his truck a few times and he had to constantly pick me up. LMAO. I have to prove to him I don't just pass out at parties. Many parties and I've passed out at 2. I wish I had pictures though. We shall see....
I made the most kickass fairie festival slide show on myspace. I found an amazing pic of me as a fairie i didn't even know existed. i suppose I'll post it.
I'm not cutting this picture because it's so cool. Suck it up if you don't like pics not cutted. Jack Sparrow in love. How freakin hot is this??? Damn hot I think.
In other news I'm scheduled for the truck opps class in Anne Arundel county for 2 weeks in December. I am in seat 17 woopeee. There are 25 slots and 22 have been filled I'm so glad they didn't wait until the class was full to put me in a stand-by list. I overscheduled myself ONCE AGAIN. The class starts December 5th, it's a Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday class. No biggie. I signed up for Shock Trauma TRU Friday the 8th from 11pm until 3am/7am. I have class that morning between 8 and 9am. Good thinking Heather.
Our generator on the truck is broken. We can use some of the extrication tools but not all and the aerial is definately out of service. Some are saying it's been broken before and can be fixed easily. Others are saying it needs to go down to Texas for 3 months to be fixed. Complete sadness. The bunkroom has mold in it (no surprise there) so one corner is completely stripped down to the concrete. Atleast we didnt' pay $17,000 for someone to rip down the damn wall for us. We do truck work which includes tearing down walls to the bare concrete. Our chiefy is going to redo the wall so hopefully it'll look pretty and not funny patchy.
Training on Saturday was awesome. Only 6 of us went, TP showed up mid-afternoon and Steve conducted the training. Steve is very textbooky in some ways. It's not a bad thing just a way he teaches sometimes. A lot of people don't like how he does things or how prideful he is but above all he knows his shit. I'd trust him in a fire with me any day of the week. There are a few guys at the station I'd go into any fire with, there are some I wouldn't trust with a pine cone. There are some that might be up to par but I couldn't say because I've never seen them train or at a fireground. Steve is just awesome, including being good looking. So enough about him, we were hoping for more of a turnout but we weren't in luck. We worked on the Denver drill woopeee. I was completely tired and fell asleep in my turnout gear while one teams did the maze. I freaked out in one area. I've done plenty of search and rescue drills, especially with no sight. Maybe it was because it was so early or I was so tired but I had to physically stop and rethink to stop my breathing and not freak out. I wasn't scared but I couldn't get my tool through so I started thinking if my tool cant get through I cant get through. I got through the first 6 foot long tight spot but the second one around a corner I had some assistance on. Steve asked me if I was claustrophobic - my response was "well I didn't think so until now." I don't know I don't think i was in the right mindframe. Now talking to him, I am considering I freaked out because it was in a house, where fires usually happen and not just some maze set up somewhere. I cut a hole into the roof and banged up a few walls. Pretty exciting day. The pictures are gonna be awesome we have some great ones of people in various sexual positions trying to figure out how to do some of the drills. Well people didn't get into sexual positions to figure out the drill but we looked so hilarious.
Is it wrong to be attracted to 20 years older than me? A lot of people my age make it seem like a crime if you like someone 5 years older than you. I dunno but my best friend is 34. With that in mind, I haven't heard from him in a few days. I think I saw a picture of him somewhere but I don't know if I really saw it or dreamt of it.
Oh yea I read an article at the hospital that surprised me. The 2 swing dancers that travel worldwide and swing dance where I dance at are a doctor and army medic. Together they figured out an algorithym to determine the prognoses of someone with needed organ transplantation. I didn't even know they were in the field of medicine, let alone so far along and so smart. Jesus.
Current Mood: chillaxin Current Music:Josh Turner - Your Man
I messaged Kevin to im me but then I just went to sleep. I dont really remember why I didnt wait for him to im me to then go to sleep. It was at 11:38pm OMG BEFORE MIDNIGHT.
I overslept today. Alarm clock was all set but never went off. 8:52 I awoke suddenly. I had a dream about a car and extrication at some point.
Watched 2 and some hours of each class member interacting with a "patient." One person was just all over the place. It was funny though. The misfit stepkid started asking about what the guy had for sidedishes for dinner the night before he had chest pains. WHAT???? The one teacher said it was the best one she saw and he did a great job! Well first of all she saw 3 videos out of 10 and he was no where near the best. He took vitals. He didnt verbalize oxygen, medications, monitor, or IV. Way to go. A dude is having chest pains. You are called to a guys' house to treat his chest pains not to become his new best friend he can call to borrow eggs from. There doesn't need to be 12 minutes of discussion before you attempt to head to the hospital. By then he could be dead.
Lunch was funny. The guys were complaining about having their prostates checked for physicals. The girls argued that going to the gyno was worst. The guys swore 2 lubricated fingers were worst. Sure enough with enough description and details, the girls won. The gyno is far worst than prostate checks.
I had to leave class while the rain was at it's worst. Everything was soaked. Even my underroos. Jebus. The doctor was nice and said i can talk after my surgery and to have turkey ice cream. Bleck. He gave me 4 different meds to take ahhhhhhhhh medicines run away!!!!!
We have a clinical at the Shock Trauma Trauma Resucitation Unit. My friend went there last week and was pretty sad about it. I'm going with my friend so that should be cool. We are partners of medicine. Sometimes I think she looks down on me because I act goofy sometimes but she has 9 years on me. I guess it's all give or take. I've gotten better though.
We have a lot of bagels but no toaster. The toaster oven died and we havent had a toaster in ages. Microwaving bagels doesnt give them that tasty crispiness they so rightfully deserve. I am devistated. We have a container of cream cheese and 5 packages of lonely various bagels. I am sad :(
I love the new RHCP album Stadium Arcadia. Some of the songs sound like their 90's album Blood, Sex, Magik but 20 of the songs are just groovy go to sleep songs.
I missed a barn fire 3 days ago at the Laurel Race Track. A horsie died from it.
New guy on the engine, really nice and cute. Taken. I tried. Well that was before I walked in to see Jessie giving him back massages as she does with every guy. jesus christ just dont do anything for anyone for one day. dont touch anyone try it. i dare ya. She cant though it's kinda creepy. Back to the guy, he volunteers at Kentland and is a newbie. He likes my friend I know over there but says some of them are pretty dicky and aholish. It's pretty bad when someone from your own station says it about the guys they ride with. The ones I've met haven't been too bad, I've met some real dickhairs at other pg stations though. I havent met everyone so I cant make a judgement.
The station was completely boring. I went over meds and watched wayyyy too much tv. More mold in the bunkroom, no surprise there.
The guys were surprised to see me with mascara and lip gloss. They want to see me all decked out in makeup. Haha
Oh yes the patient simulator thing this morning was chill. The patient was really nice and said I cared about his issues, and listened well, and calmed him. What awesomeness.
I really need something to do I am utterly bored. I'll probably sleep
Tomorrow is business. Class then doctors appt. then thirsty thursday with Lisa. Then 8 hours of iv rotations. I really need some more. Some have 30some eeeeeek I'm so behind. I just get crappy shifts.
Current Music:Cradle of Filth - medusa and hemlock
Oh what an exciting day.3 hours of arguing test answers, 2-3 hours of bingo. Lunch was exciting with a flick of a bottle cap hitting Eric smack dab in the middle of the forehead. It looked like a movie scene.
I then slept for 4 hours at dads house and watched SVU.
Deep convos going on AIM. Things I never knew before. Most of its really sad though.
Wednesday is patient simulator at UMSchool of nursing. Thursday is dr. appt. then Thirsty Thursday with Lisa. Friday I have clinicals for 8 hours. Saturday is all day training at some house in the country. Woot go company training. JT is coming down this weekend, hopefully Saturday so that'll rock. Sunday is thanksgiving. Monday my non exciting birthday. Wednesday my surgery.
I really hope my cold stays away because i am sick of waking up everymorning feeling like crap for hours until I go to sleeep. Its really getting me down and I cant do much when Im sick.
So the guy I was digging I think has made up his mind. Everything was splended in August until I chose John. I guess after that point he decided not to care or decided something to the point to stop most communication with me. At times he still says really sweet things to me but for days I wont hear a word from him. He could just be waiting to get out the academy but I couldn't say.
I'm trying everything to forget him and tell myself I don't want to date. I really don't have the time for it nor anything that would come along with it.
I'm just sick of the assholes. It's dumb how long I took one guy's bullshit for months and I'm finally sick of it. I'll still be his friend or whatever but I wont fall into his traps anymore. That certainly won't happen again. I'm digging his friend but his friend didn't say much to me yesterday and hasnt called since. I doubt i'll ever see him again except at parties which is how it always seems to go with guys from PG county. He was nice to me when I feel asleep on him though. Who knows. I give up.
I missed yet another fire between Saturday and Sunday. It was all defensive attack outside so I didn't really miss much. Regardless I missed it.
Liz got out of the hospital Sat. and went back on Sunday. I called her earlier and had absoutely nothing to talk about. I'd call her back except, well we don't really have much in common anymore except for convos when we hang out.
I'm losing myself. It's so hard to be excited for anything anymore. It's so hard to be happy and random. I'm falling apart and I don't think I can be glued back together.
I sat in the ER for 4 hours today and did 1 stick and 1 EKG. Woopdee doo. It's going to take me forever to get as many sticks as I should have. Some people have 43 and 33 sticks and I still have 15? I really don't know how many more hours I can sit and do NOTHING WITH MY LIFE. I have read every magazine in the ER, walked around aimlessly, and done everything to stay awake.
My friend says I should skip the fire department and just become a nurse practitioner where I could really affect lives. 6 years of school is a long fucking time of endless studying, late nights, small meals, debt, and an estranged social life. I don't know if I want to wait so long to get started on a life where I'll be beaten by debts up my ass.
I'd do anything to be happy again.
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Reviews of Entertainment
Meatloaf's Bat out of Hell 3 sounds really damn awesome. He finally did "It's all coming back to me" that Celine Dion sang. Mom says he was given the opportunity to sing it first but turned it down.
The Tenacious D movie looks awesome. The 2 videos I've seen for it are too cool for words. I just adore Jack Black's attack on humor. Their tickets in VA are $40 so I dont know if I'll go.
Bobby looks pretty kickass too. Elijah Wood will be excellent, if Lindsay Lohan fucks this performance up then she's done in my book. I can't stand her as it is but she could pull it off.
Spiderman 3? Orgasmic. Simply. I can not wait.
I've seen bits of Scrubs season 5 and it's still pretty funny. I somewhat think like that in the hospital. Maybe I'll think of more funny stuff while Im in the hospital to keep my time at bay?
Grey's Anatomy, pretty moderate, good bits of sadness every episode but it can improve! Alex and Izzie I definately see hopes. Oh it's still good though. Best show on the air.
Heroes is one weird show. I miss some of the points of the show since it jumps around so much. People die for no reason. I really wish they had arranged the show differently.
Oprah is still pretty spiffy when I catch it. Oprah is the woman.
I am officially a youtube addict. Definately found some good comedians on there and good short story sort of skits.
Current Mood: indescribable Current Music:Studio 60 is on but about to preview Meatloaf
I slept 11 hours today. Pretty sweet. Talked to a few people online. Rob wants to hang out sometime at the sound garden. Jason messaged me again.
I checked out for applying with FDNY. You can apply at 17 1/2 but to be hired you must be 21 and live in New York for 6 months. When I'm 21 I doubt I'll want to be up there.
I cant wait until I'm better then I'll be lifting hours each week and running miles. My friend for atleast 5 days a week gets on the eliptical machine for 30 minutes or 3 miles each time.
I'm going to take December to get my ride along time, some fire class time, exercising, working, and ride alongs in PG county.
I'm pretty unsure about doing nursing. If I find a 1 year transition school in the tristate area then I'll consider it. Otherwise it's not worth my time or I'll do it after I get hired.
I'm considering working for Fairfax, Montgomery, or DC. After P classes I'm going to take up all of the rescue classes I can (ropes, high angle, swiftwater, swiftwater tech, trench, confined space, hazmat) and officer/instructor classes if possible. I hear at certain stations in certain countys pay thousands more if you have P and various fire classes going in the academy.
In reality, I don't want to go back to community college because half of the professors stunk. It's an overwhelming amount of time to sit in class just to earn so few credits. I may try to apply at Towson for their nursing program but I don't know, I could work as a paramedic at shock trauma and wait a few years before getting a career. I get figity and learning more about chemistry is just not what I want to do. I can't use chemistry to pull someone out of a fire more than what I already know about fires. I can't use Mark Twain to help give someone CPR. I hate sitting in classes with idiots who think their thoughts are really a contribution to the world. I skipped half of drug calculations because the nursing students in there had no idea how to do 7th grade math. The math really wasnt that hard.
Tomorrow starts the week of a busy week. We have training Saturday night so that is exciting. My vacation starts Thursday afternoon for a week. What to do what to do....
Mommy said we're having thanksgiving on Sunday instead of this Thursday. WOOPEEEE. Then its my BIRTHDAYYYYY. I don't know what I want for it or christmas still. Maybe a camera is all??? Some cds???
I think i would kill my husband/wife if I were married and they bought me a $1000 necklace like the ones at K jewelers for my birthday. I'd look at them like they were crazy, say thanks are you out of your mind you mustn't know me at all and lets go buy some dvds, cds, and appliances. I like jewelry mind you. Anything more than $50 (except for wedding rings) is ridiculous.
Three friends of mine want to nominate me as sergeant at the firehouse. On one hand I want it and on another hand I don't. With it comes more training, responsibilities, people mad at me, people complaining that I am a complete idiot and who knows what else. It will be nice because a woman has held office for a while and it'll really separate myself from the 20 year old idiots who light hairspray on fire in the tv room at 1am. This is all if my friends really do nominate me. Now If I had my choice of senior officer to work with I know who i'd choose automatically.
In other news my hives have no dissapeared. I took a shower. No help. I took 2 benadryl. No help. Then I drank some yuengling (nasty beer imo) and jungle juice. Just 1 meere cup and I don't remember a few hours. I couldn't remember seconds before what I was doing at certain times. I didn't do anything ridiculous and I kept to myself but I was triping all over myself. I then proceeded in passing out on a couch and woke up on some guy. I apologized for snoring but he didn't seem to care. I remember saying 2 sentences to him the entire night but he was so super sweet to me. I kept on telling him he was lying just to get some but then he'd say things like "Oh no if that's all I wanted then I wouldn't have let you sleep on me and talk to you for so long I like you." Actually he said a crapload of really nice stuff. He dated one of my friends but they didn't work out :( I have to call him later. My other friend got mad at me because he gets mad alot so I left. I was hoping to see more of my friends there but I didn't oh poopers.
So no meds more than 3 hours prior to drinking. Ever. I thought I had given it 2 hours which wasn't enough I spose.
In other news there is FEMALE JELLO WRESTLING at the Asylum November 21st for women. I must inquire soon!!!
One of my favorite Greys Anatomy quotes by Meredith Grey:
You don't get to call me a whore When I met you I thought i had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with I was done So all the boys, all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues Who cared, I was done
You left me
I'm all glued back together now I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke You don't get to call me a whore
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fadedblackrose's journal
bored
lethargic
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chillaxin
indescribable